Sunday, April 22, 2018

JOIN: Celebrating What Sucks About Writing Right Now


Every Saturday, join me as I CELEBRATE This Week 
with Ruth Ayres from Discover. Play. Build.


It's seems a bit counterproductive to be celebrating what sucks right now but for me it is a celebration because by acknowledging what sucks right now, I can hopefully move past it. 

1. The Voice In My Head That Tells Me I'm Not a Writer

I'm not sure this will ever go away but I can definitely stop listening to it. As much as I write and as much as I love writing, there's still a little voice in my head that tells me I'm not enough. Partly, I'm not good enough as a writer and partly, I'm not good enough as a person that anyone would care about me or my stories or want to read them. It really hit home this week when I read The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. I knew I was in a sort of funk and this book was recommended to me so I finally read it. He points out how we all have hidden barriers, these stories we tell ourselves that hold us back, that don't let us live up to our potential. Well, one of my hidden barriers is that I feel seriously flawed as a person. Who cares about me? Who wants to read my stuff? Who am I to think I matter let alone, I'm important. 

I have no idea. 

Solution to celebrate: I'll tell that voice to be quiet. I honestly think I'll always have that little inner critic. In some ways, I think it's an internal defense mechanism. Putting myself out there, sharing my writing, hoping to be published, is a risk. But it's a risk I'm willing to take because I know that everyone else writing is a person too. Everyone else has gone through the experience of sitting down, writing, working on their writing, and putting themselves out there. If they can do it, I can do it too. I have no idea if anyone will care about my stories or want to read them but I can still try. 

I also have an idea for how to breathe some energy into my writing life by connecting with other writers. I'm planning to merge this blog with Teacher Mentor Texts next month and as part of the merge, I'll be offering writing conferences to any educators who embrace the writing life or who want to embrace the writing life. I'll share more info soon!

2. The Fear of Standing Out

I have another hidden barrier...and that's worrying about what other people will say if I write and blog and sell a book and love my life as a writer. I can't tell you how many times people ask, "Where do you find time?" I've even had people ask, "Do you ever sleep?" And I get it because I do a lot. I'm a mom, our family is busy with school and sports, and we love to have fun. I read, I go to yoga, I write. The truth is that I make time for what I really care about and what fuels me. I make time for my family and I make time to live a writing life. I'm lucky because my job as an instructional coach lets me to interact with people and share my love of learning and literacy so it fuels me in a similar way that my home life does. BUT I there are also lots of things I probably could be doing that I let go because I want to make time for what I really love doing. 

Case in point, below is a current picture of my living room table. It's littered with books, bills, homework, random stuff like sunglasses, a hat, a Color Street smple, blue sticks, pencil sharpeners, a compass. It's stuff we need to put away that we haven't. Mostly to blame are me and the kids. My poor husband...I really should clear it off, put all this detritus away, put books on the shelf. Then we could all eat dinner together at the kitchen table. But I don't make dinner every night. At least, not a fancy home-cooked meal. We don't set the table. 
All of this is to say that I have this fear of outshining other people. I have this worry that if I do too much, other people will judge me and ask how I do it and the very last thing I want is for people to tuck their chins back and look at me like I'm some kind of super human person. I'm not! I'm just me. There is so much I don't do to be able to have time to focus on what I really love. 

Solution to Celebrate: *sigh* I'm not really sure how to solve this other than doing what I do, trying to share as much as I can, and inviting others to go on the journey with me. I honestly believe we all have stories to tell. All our stories are important. That's a main reason why I started Story Exploratory. I don't want to prance around and have people fawn over me, I just want to share my writing life and encourage others to embrace their writing life, whatever that looks like. 

3. #1 and #2 Together

Okay, so what really really sucks right now is that I uncovered my hidden barriers. I was able to see that I have this underlying belief that I'm not good enough but also a fear of letting myself live up to my creative potential. It just sucks. They're basically in competition with each other. Just when I tell myself to believe in myself and go out there and work towards my dreams...I then tell myself to hold back and not be too free and too successful. Somehow I have to figure out how to shut down the voices in my head and to believe in myself and hold myself ultimately accountable to myself. But at the same time remind others that if I can do it, they can do it.

Solution to celebrate: The only thing I've got for this right now is to just keep going. I'm not sure what else to do other than to keep writing, to keep blogging, to keep connecting with others, and to celebrate this writing life. Just writing about what sucks right now feels freeing. I can put these ideas out there and maybe let them go. I wish I could say I could write this, post it, and completely let it go. I'll try. But I have a feeling I'm going to need to write about it more and just focus on my living my writing life and also inviting others to live their writing life or their creative life, whatever that means. 

You know what? I feel a little bit better. I teeny bit lighter. I smidge more ready to get over my hesitations, those silly voices in my head. I'm me. I'm a writer. I love myself. I love writing. I'm worth it. I'm enough. I'm going to keep going. 
How about you? What sucks about your writing life right now? What are your struggling with? What's holding you back? Maybe I can help! I'd love to hear more and hopefully this post helps you know that you aren't alone. Wherever you are on your journey, there are others on the path ahead of you or behind you. And we're here for you. 

Sunday, January 14, 2018

JOIN: Celebrating Being Alive


Every Saturday, join me as I CELEBRATE This Week 
with Ruth Ayres from Discover. Play. Build.


I'm in love with Instagram more and more everyday. I gravitated towards Instagram initially because every post is an image. When I was in high school, I saved money to buy a super simple SLR camera. I had no idea what I was doing but I dreamed of taking a photography class and developing my own pictures in a dark room. I never did take a class but I still love taking pictures and know some basics of what to pay attention to when taking a picture. 

Lately, I find that I'm most inspired by people on Instagram. Still, I love the images people post, the glimpses into people's lives but I also love the people who are there standing up, sharing their truth, being honest and saying it like it is. They inspire me so much. 

And then today I saw someone post something about being pessimistic...and the caption said something like, "I can't be pessimistic because I woke up today." Isn't that so true? Sure, the world is far from perfect....but here we are. We're here. Alive, experiencing the ups and the downs, the good and the bad. And for that I'm thankful.

If you're on Instagram, you can find me there at @mentortexts. 
As always, thanks for stopping to celebrate with me!
I'm here, you're here and I'm so glad.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

JOIN: Celebrating My One Little Word for 2018



Every Saturday, join me as I CELEBRATE This Week 
with Ruth Ayres from Discover. Play. Build.


As far as I remember, my first one little word was in 2013 and I picked the word simplify. There was a lot going on in my life and I felt scattered, stretched in too many directions. I wanted the year to be about figuring out what I most desperately wanted to be doing and simplifying parts of my life so I could really focus on what mattered most - my family, my health, reading, and writing.

In 2014 I chose patience as my word, realizing there were so many goals I had for myself and so many things I wanted to get done and knowing that I had to chill out and be patient. After I picked the word, I heard from a friend that there's a saying that if you ask to be patient, God will sure give you something to be patient about. 

When 2015 came around, I was working in a pretty stressful job dealing with lots of different people all the time. Let me tell you, when you are in heated discussions, it's not always easy to stay cool but staying cool and being able to talk through things is super important. So grace was a perfect word. Here's a funny story about what I learned about grace. Little did I know, that the idea of giving myself some grace would also play a factor. I have a print-out from Ruth's blog that says in loud, bold letters, "I am enough." Even though I had learned how to better say no to things and simplify my life a little bit, I still found giving myself some grace and adjusting my expectations was important. 

2016 was about stopping to just enjoy it all and my word was revel. Revel was such a fun word. It was about enjoying the now and celebrating as much as I could soaking up everything that was my life.

And last year, after the election and my eyes were opened to how much needs attention in our world, I chose the word zealous. My husband often says I'm over-zealous, sometimes still biting off more than I can chew, but sometimes just having such super big dreams and wanting to make them happen while also thinking it's going to be easy. But last year was about being zealous, being more passionate, being more vocal, speaking up and bringing attention to things. It was a great word and one I relied on as a reminder to keep going when it felt hard. 
Now, in 2018, I picked the word love. It's like taking all my words from 2013 through 2017 and rolling them up into one big giant hug. Simplify was about self-love. Patience was about love of the journey. Grace was about love for others and love for myself. Revel was about love of this glorious life. Zealous was about loving life enough to want to make a difference. And now, I'm celebrating love. 

Speaking of celebrating love, I can't think of anyone who more beautifully loved life than Amy Krouse Rosenthal and here's my post from last year that celebrates her

Love, love to you on this beautiful day. 
Thank you for stopping in to celebrate with me!
Did you pick a word for the year yet?

Sunday, December 31, 2017

JOIN: Celebrating 2017 Successes!


Every Saturday, join me as I CELEBRATE This Week 
with Ruth Ayres from Discover. Play. Build.



I'm a huge fan of celebrating because it's a time of reflection for me. Last year, I joined Julie Hedlund's 12 Days of Christmas for Writers and it was a great opportunity to take time to reflect and plan so I decided to try it again this year. 

On the second day, she asked us to make a list of successes from the year and challenged us to share them, so here we go!

1. I discovered and fell in love with 826CHI. I went to an inspiring poetry workshop in the spring, volunteered for their middle school writing camp in the summer, and then was invited to be on a panel in the fall. (And I just signed up for a hand-lettering workshop this winter!) Being connected with 826CHI helped me grow as a writer but what I appreciated the most is that I feel truly seen when I'm there. I love them!

2. I participated in an online women's retreat with Wild Cozy Truth and then was invited to be part of Renee's Wild Cozy Truth podcast.

3. Speaking of podcasts, I was also invited to be part of Dream Gardens podcast where I got to talk about The Girl Who Drank the Moon

4. The Mr. Colby Sharp invited me to be part of his One Question video series where I talked about keeping up my writing habits during the school year.

5. I got a little bit brave when it comes to videos and made a video about my thoughts on how education can change the world. To make things even more exciting, I went Live on Facebook for the first time and started a Facebook Group called Story Exploratory LIVE. (Please ask you join if you aren't already part of the group!)

6. This summer was our 6th summer of Teachers Write and it was another awesome year. I was able to draft my 3rd novel super fast during the four weeks of Teachers Write this year. It's the first time I've ever drafted so fast!

7. For the first time, I mentored two people for Brenda Drake's Pitch Wars contest. I was so happy to be chosen as a mentee in 2014 so it was super cool to be able to now be a mentor. The two women I worked with were so great and I'm glad to have them as Pitch Wars family and friends now. 

8. I did lots of learning at conferences again this year. I presented at the ICE conference and at Nerdcamp Michigan this summer and also went to NCTE again. 

9. At school, I talked with teachers and students about teaching and learning and I helped to coordinate a district-wide professional development day, district-wide celebration of World Read Aloud Day, and celebration of Day on Writing where we were able to bring in Kwame Alexander at our middle school. 

10. And, finally, what I'm super proud of is that I made my writing a priority this year. I started off the year taking a course with my friend Marcie that was all about developing good writing habits. We realized it would be great to hold each other accountable to our writing goals so we text almost daily to check in and share our writing progress. Thanks to her, I've gotten a lot of writing done just knowing I need to check in with her. I've connected with so many other writer friends who cheerlead for me and read for me and help me keep going. This was also my first year working with Danielle as my agent and I'm so grateful for discussions with her, her belief in me, and to know that we were able to get some of my work out on sub already. I'm looking forward to working more on my writing and sharing my writing life here. 

This is me...it's New Year's Eve and when I took the kids to Target earlier, my car said it was only 12 degrees outside. We're headed to one of my son's friend's house to celebrate with their families tonight. I'm thankful for time at home to unwind and decompress, to reflect and plan forward, to get some writing in before we welcome in 2018. Thank you so much for being here to be part of my writing life and to celebrate with me. I'm glad you are here!

What are you celebrating this week?
I'd love to hear about any of your 2017 successes!

Sunday, December 10, 2017

The Danger of a White Story

I was born in 1980 in Lake Forest, Illinois to wonderful parents. My dad is Irish and Welsh and my mom is Guatemalan. Growing up, I spent time with both sides of my family, spoke in English and Spanish, painted with my Gramma and played cards with my Mamita. I loved both sides of my family and they loved me.


But the town I grew up in didn’t reflect me or my family as a whole.


I grew up in a town where the population was 98.6% white. People around me lived in mansions, drove shiny, new cars, and wore expensive clothes but I didn’t. Books were the one place where I felt like enough. I could walk into the library and check out as many books as I wanted and they were the same books the other kids were reading. The library leveled the playing field for me. At the same time, It was years and years before the We Need Diverse Books campaign so I read books by Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary, and Roald Dahl. I didn’t see my Latinx heritage represented in books I read.

I talked about my story and how books saved me on the Wild Cozy Truth podcast with Renee Powers this week. I'm so thankful for all the books I had access to growing up. But even though connecting with books helped me to become who I am today, they still contributed to a fractured identity for me.


This is the danger of a white story.


I hope by now everyone has seen Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Ted Talk The Danger of a Single Story. If you haven't, please go watch it. I've blogged about it before and how we have to be conscious of how harmful it can be to assume things. Chimamanda points out that it’s too easy to assume things about a large group of people from just one experience or story with one person.


I grew up with a white story all around me. In the community I lived in, in the books I read, in the media I consumed. It’s not shock that I ended up not identifying with my Latina side. It wasn’t until We Need Diverse Books that I started to unravel years and years of being ashamed of being Latina. I spent a month blogging about this very topic. It was a really hard month as I faced things I wasn’t proud of and forced myself to be introspective.


There’s a danger in a white story.


I’m not alone. I’ve heard of students who deny their Latinx identity and attempt to disassociate with their ethnicity. I’ve had a student tell me she wished she had a white girl’s name like mine. I’ve seen my own son raise his hands in excitement that his skin is lighter than his brother’s when we talked about the injustices people might face because of their skin color.


This danger of a white story is why we need to continue to work for diversity in books and other media. We have come along way since the 80’s when I grew up but we still have work to do.


Chad Everett wrote a piece called There Is No Diverse Book where he talks about how we have to examine our use of the word "diverse". He points out that no one book can be diverse. The very definition of diversity implies that there have to be a variety in a range of different things. One book might have a diverse cast of characters. A group of books might represent people from different ethnicities. But the word diverse does not mean non-white.


Chad shares how readers can move along a continuum in terms of what they read. He cites Dr. Rudine Sims-Bishops’ work on the importance of access to books that are Mirrors, Windows, and Sliding glass doors (I mention her work in the podcast but failed to cite her and I apologize for this.). He also points out that while a reader can move along the continuum, it’s important to read widely on those points on the continuum. Reading one book with characters of a certain race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, ability, etc., is not enough. That’s the danger of a single story.


Chad also explains, "The word diverse as it is currently used centers heteronormative whiteness as the default." There are a lot of reasons for why whiteness is the default that I don’t have to outline here. It’s imperative that we - as readers, educators, parents, humans - reflect on what we consider the default as we grow the representation of diversity in books and in the books we share with others.


It’s the danger of a white story.


I know all too well what it feels like to live in a white story, to exist thinking that white is the norm. I still struggle with not feeling like enough. I wonder why I’m not included. I question whether my voice matters. And not only that, I find myself dealing with these thoughts in different spaces. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.


We have to stop defaulting to white as the norm. Each reader deserves to see themselves in the books they read and they deserve the opportunity to read widely beyond themselves.

In this video interview with Dr. Rudine Sims-Bishop, specifically when she talks about cultural authenticity, she shares ideas for how to look critically at texts we read and share. I urge you to take some time to think about the books you are reading and other media you are consuming and look for diversity in the range of texts you read.

Be aware of the danger of a white story. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Using My Voice: Standing Up and Speaking Out Even When It's Hard

Since April 2014, when the We Need Diverse Books campaign became a thing, I’ve paid attention more and more to representations of diversity of all kinds in books and other media. It might sound strange, but I didn’t realize how much I was missing diversity in what I was reading and watching on tv and in movies until then. All of a sudden, I saw everything in color instead of grayscale.


It wasn’t until I went to a session on "Finding Diverse Lit for Diverse YA Readers" in support of the We Need Diverse Books campaign led by Cindy Minnich and Sarah Anderson at Nerdcamp in July of 2014 that I realized how much I needed WNDB myself. I wrote about the experience here, how I felt physically ill because I wasn’t sure how the conversation was going to go and how overwhelmed I was to be in a room of people who understood.


To be honest, the We Need Diverse Books campaign helped me look more closely at my own identity. I spent March of 2015 blogging everyday and realizing how important it is for me to tell my story. If you’re interested in reading about my exploration of my identity, this post links to all my posts from that month.  


Since then, I’ve used my voice more and more to speak out about the importance of diversity in books and other media and about the importance of having discussions about race and culture. I’m still getting used to this voice of mine, still learning to trusting it and strengthening my message.


I put it to the test recently when I spoke out against something very important to me. I wish I could be more specific but at this point, I’m choosing not to call attention to the issue and instead, share what it felt like to use my voice.


I went through a range of emotions and as I processed the whole situation, I found that Tracy Chapman’s self-titled album (that I loved back in the 90's) helped me understand what I was feeling. In listening to Tracy’s lyrics, I didn’t feel so alone and I found strength to persevere.


Speaking out and asking people to look more closely at themselves and to reflect on their cultural competence was hard. It meant taking a risk. Being vulnerable. Facing the unknown. But I did it anyway. Here’s a glimpse of what I felt.


Talkin' Bout a Revolution


Don't you know
They're talkin' 'bout a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Poor people gonna rise up
And get their share
Poor people gonna rise up
And take what's theirs


When I found out about the situation that was happening, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. But then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I realized I needed to speak out. It was time for me to say something. The strength to speak out started to grow.


Fast Car


You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way


I had options. I could let it go and not express my opinion. That would be easiest. Running away was an option too. I could just move. That would be hard to do but it sounded great, just leave everything behind and forget the people who couldn’t see my point. But at the same time, I knew it was time to use my voice. Because if I didn't at least try, of course nothing would change.


Across the Lines


Across the lines
Who would dare to go
Under the bridge
Over the tracks
That separates whites from blacks
Choose sides
Run for your life
Tonight the riots begin
On the back streets of America
They kill the dream of America


I made a choice. I decided to stand up. I wasn’t sure if anyone else was speaking up, sharing their voice, their perspective but I was going to and I was ready. I felt too strongly to not say anything, ignoring it wasn't an option, and running away from the problem wasn't going to work either.


This is where it became real though. I wasn’t sure what the consequences of standing up and speaking out would be. I could imagine, and I did imagine, all sorts of scenarios. It was scary. But I was determined to do it anyway.


Behind the Wall


Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police always come late
If they come at all


The reality: No one heard me. No one understood my point. No one saw my perspective. Or if they did, no one came to my side. No one stood by me. I was in it alone.


Baby Can I Hold You


But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine


It was hard to keep going when I felt alone and invisible. I hoped for someone to see me so I would feel real again. Anyone. And then there was someone who saw me. Another person was also appalled by the situation. Just when it felt like I didn’t exist, one person saw me. And if one person could see me, it was enough to keep going.


Mountains o' Things


Oh they tell me
There's still time to save my soul
They tell me
Renounce all
Renounce all those material things you gained by
Exploiting other human beings


I thought of all the things I would give up. All the things I thought were important. I wouldn’t worry about anything else if they could just see how seriously problematic this one thing was.


Nothing else mattered.


She's Got Her Ticket


She's got her ticket
I think she gonna use it
I think she going to fly away
No one should try and stop her
Persuade her with their power
She says that her mind is made up
Why not leave why not
Go away
Too much hatred
Corruption and greed
Give your life
And invariably they leave you with
Nothing


I was willing to give up so much but still, no one was listening, I wasn’t getting anywhere. I was done. Spent. Exhausted. Emotionally hollow. I needed a break. I shut down, closed myself off, slept.


Why?


Love is hate
War is peace
No is yes
And we're all free


When I woke up, I was mad. None of it made sense. How could people pretend to care about some things when they didn’t about this? Everyone was a hypocrite. Every smile fake. Every promise empty. I lost trust in a lot of people.


For My Lover


And everybody thinks
That I'm the fool
But they don't get
Any love from you
The things we won't do for love
I'd climb a mountain if I had to
And risk my life so I could have you
You, you, you...


I wish I didn't, but I still cared. Was I overreacting? Making a mountain out of a molehill? No one understood. I was weary and not sure who to trust but I was determined to keep going, knowing that I needed to advocate for what I felt was right.


If Not Now...


If not now then when
If now today then
Why make your promises
A love declared for days to come
Is as good as none


Somehow, I felt hope. I had been through so many emotions and even after it all, I believed change had to happen. I tried again. My resolve was deeper than ever and I was steadfast. I could stay the course.


For You


There're no words to say
No words to convey
This feeling inside I have for you
Deep in my heart
Save from the guards
Of intellect and reason
Leaving me at a loss
For words to express my feelings
Deep in my heart
Look at me losing control
Thinking I had a hold
But with feelings this strong
I'm no longer the master
Of my emotions

Just when I thought I had felt every emotion possible...I got to the point where someone else saw me. My heart was buoyed up by their belief. After all this time, someone saw me and my perspective. My emotions were all over the place. It was a sense of gratitude and knowing that it was worth it because I was able to encourage one person to think more carefully about how serious the situation was.

But at the same time I put so much energy into making a difference and I didn’t feel like I had gotten very far. In some ways, I felt like a ghost. As much as I tried to get people to see me and pleaded for them to listen, so many didn’t. Now I’m at the point where I have to decide if I keep trying. Do I keep looking for others who can see me? Or since my voice has been stifled and silenced time and time again, do I give up? Is it worth it to go on?

*****


Standing up and speaking out was not easy. It was scary and isolating.

It’s emotionally draining to want to impact change so badly and not be able to make it happen. I’ve realized that I have to expand my timeline, reassess the steps it's going to take, and figure out how to reinvigorate my belief that change can happen. Even though I want to move mountains, I have to accept that sometimes a teeny shift in the right direction is all I’m going to get.


If this had happened back in 2014 before I had started to unpack my own identity and to look critically at how people are represented in books and the media around me, I’m not sure I would have felt the need to speak up. I hope I would have taken issue with the situation but I can’t say for certain that I would have seen how important it was to bring attention to it as I did.


I’m thankful for experiences that have helped me look more critically at books and media and for people who have helped me find my voice. I hope that by sharing my story others will look more closely at their lives and find their voice to speak out and stand up when they have the chance. I can’t promise it will be easy but I do know it will be worth it.